Sad Day

It is really and truly the end of a chapter of my life. Joshua and I are going our separate ways. Things were said by both of us that cannot be taken back, making our baggage more than we can work past now.

I feel crushed, heart broken, angry, shocked, scared (or "scary," as Ashley and I like to say to make us sound tougher than we are feeling), and so sad. I get nauseated when I read his Facebook status updates because I interpret them to mean he is living life fine without me.

It seems like I experience a different emotion every hour of the day. I know I won't feel this way forever. I know that I've been through basically the same thing before. It hurts so much, though.

Due to the above mentioned, I may be going through some major life changes by the end of 2009. I will let you know those changes as they make themselves clearer to me.

Update

I haven't blogged in so long over here. I will attempt to keep up with this blog more (just like my attempt to keep up with working out, right?) by posting at least once a week.

What's currently happening in the life of Jessica?

On Sunday, I got back from Aleah's college graduation from Harding University in Searcy, AR. It was a non-stop weekend of traveling. My dad has lost a lot of weight; I think Aleah said like 20 pounds. Really good to see family. By the time I got back to Austin (an hour late, I might add), I was ashamedly whiny and tired. Joshua goes above and beyond for me every day now, and Sunday was no exception. He treated me to dinner at Matt's El Rancho and let me vent about the nuttiness (which involved someone mistaking me for anothe Jessica who just got engaged) that my weekend entailed. Crazy though to think that Aleah is a college graduate. I feel so old now...

I'm hoping to plan a trip with Gracie and my mom to Galveston for Memorial Day weekend. Grandmother's condo, where we're hoping to stay in two weeks, took a beating in Hurricane Ike. We have to make sure that the condo is fit for people to stay in before we finalize plans. Keep your fingers crossed for me that it all falls into place.

Joshua and I may be headed up to Sulphur Springs/Irving for the weekend. It would be unfortunate if we had to make the trip, as it depends on the health of his great grandmother. We'll see what happens.

Love

He loves my thighs. I hate my thighs. I probably can't live without him. Our dogs are best friends. We feel like family. One time we didn't talk for three weeks, and I realized that I probably can't live without him. We cook, we laugh, we sing, we snuggle, we read, we grow, we talk, we match. I just can't live without him.

DIATRIBE

I am generally irritated because:

1. I feel like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy
   
2. Randall Stinson sent me to look at a studio loft today that has a 35 lb. weight limit for dogs. CLEARLY, this residence is NOT an option for me. Thus, Randall wasted my time. I do NOT like having my time wasted. My time is valuable. My time is precious. I could have been enjoying lunch with a friend, or letting my dogs play in our tiny backyard, or on a conference call. Instead, I sat in an office seeming like an idiot because my locator doesn't have the sense that God gave a wooden block. DON'T WASTE MY TIME. Randall has lost my business.
3. SXSW is going on this week in Austin, mainly downtown, which means there is a ginormous influx of out-of-towners. Out-of-towners who don't understand crosswalks, right of ways, and pedestrian laws in general. Out-of-towners who flail their arms, don't look where they are going, and who wear badges everywhere they go because they think it looks cool, even though it doesn't look cool, it just helps me recognize them as bumbling punk-rock-but-not-really-they-look-exactly-like-every-other-"unique individual"-parading-around-downtown-Austin-for-a-week out-of-towner. Out-of-towners who block traffic, which cause back-ups, which cause me to be late for work. DON'T MAKE ME LATE FOR WORK. I just might run over the next south-by-southwester I encounter.
4. After thoroughly combing craigslist.org for a place to live, I am left empty-handed and nearly homeless. How is it that the landlords of Austin are so insensitive to the needs of their potential tenants?? W/D hookups, at the very least, is not an absurd request. How about putting a fence around that backyard you brag about in your ad? People like privacy! Here is my favorite "No amenities to speak of, but who needs amenities when you can walk to Zilker Park!" And do what exactly at Zilker? Is that where I'm supposed to wash my clothes? Call me high maintenance (a lot of people do), but last time I checked, an on-site laundry facility wasn't luxury living. Throw me a bone here! Also, unless I am living in a corner loft apartment with a wraparound balcony that looks over all of downtown, I shouldn't have to pay more than $800 for a 1 bed-1 bath apt/ townhouse/ duplex/ etc. House hunting is like punishment.
5. Time zones are just confusing. I had a conference call. I found out I missed said call because the meeting schedules are on Eastern time. Icing on today's shit-cake.

I guess that I've been horrible lately because, I'm telling you, my karma is bad today.

American Idol + Daylight Saving Time = Fun

The house-hunt is going well. I have several appointments lined up to view places. I'm putting on my big girl pants and moving in mid-April to live by my lonesome!

Work is busy again. I love having a purpose. AND CAN I JUST MENTION DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME??? There is nothing like having the ability to spend time outdoors after I get off work at 5 or 6 p.m. Today will finally be warm enough weather to take the dogs to the dog park after work. I'm going to win "Doggie-Mom of the Year" award for this treat.

Latest guilty pleasure (adding it to the list of many): American Idol. I'm especially enthralled because we have an Aggie in the Top 12. For the record, David Archuleta is HIGHLY overrated.

Music of the week: Jaymay, Album: Autumn Fallin'

Blue Skies On My Mind

I had a really hard, bordering on bad, day last Friday. It made me thankful to come home to Paisley and Kai, who are never critical (well, Paisley is adamant about being served dinner on time everyday) and always loving.

Work days like Friday strengthen my resolve to find a much better paying job, and potentially move.

Mom, Dad, and Grandmother all seemed supportive of the idea of San Francisco. That was surprising, to say the least. I guess the longer I'm self-sustaining and self-sufficient, the more confidence I inspire.

The wird thing is that sometimes I doubt myself. I doubt that I can make it on my own. Maybe moving on my own will give me the self-confidence I need.

Here I come:

"Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again"

I'm going to get back into the swing of blogging.

Coloring books weren't doing enough for me, so I attempted photography as an artistic outlet: